Archive for the ‘Life’ Category
Kelly Clarkson Apparently Ate All Of Josh Hamilton’s Addictions
Game 3′s National Anthem performed by a fat pig with a wrist tattoo (classy!): Great weekend all around, despite the deluge of spares sullying our National Mall at the Rally to Restore Sanity. I will say, as I foolishly attempted to navigate back to Chateau Sandwich after a ride, I was confronted by the throngs…and [...]
I Just Jerked Off
“R U home? Want company? ” Holy Christ, it’s Mindy from work…and she sounds like she’s looking to get railed. Weeks of subtle game might have finally sent her over the edge, but now?! I just jerked off!!! Ok, calm the fuck down. 12:47am. It’s gonna take her at least, what, twenty minutes to get [...]
Look At My Orange Smock
Look at my orange Home Depot smock. Fucking look at it! This smock means one thing: this economy has fucked me more capably than any of the pussy I used to crush. I’ve got my name written on it in sharpie for fuck’s sake. I was a Jr. Vice President. I have business cards. Want [...]
Wedding Man
Man, this is it, the big fucking day. God, I’m so happy! No more having to worry about trolling bars and ending up with a fatty or someone that’s going to hit my dog or something. She’s so great. I better eat a big breakfast so I don’t pass out during the ceremony. Haha, that [...]
I Think I’m Going To Go Hit On That Fat Chick
It looks like the Rangers are going to win this one, even their pen can’t fuck up this lead. Good for them. I’m still shocked it’s June 15th and they’re in first. I love that our manager does blow. Let’s go Texas! Alright, one more beer. A shot too? Goddamn. Married guys will get hammered. [...]
What Friends Are For
So I’m flying back from Cali a few years ago and this KU dishrag ends up sitting next to me. A 6.5 (whilst stone sober)…but one in possession of a HUGE set of fun-bags, nudging her into stuff-worthy territory. Anyway, I vex her with my endless wit. We exchange e-mail addresses. And inside of two [...]
Deadly Erections
We’ve all had ‘em. My earliest recollection was the one I got witnessing that fuck scene in Excalibur (thanks mom!). I nearly punched through my Superman Underoos!!! But this guy, dear Lord… A three week stiffy seems pretty crazy to me. Then again, I’ve had a pants-monster since my trip to Raleigh…
Empathy Interrupted
This past July 4th weekend, while 0n my way out of town to gay-it-up with a bunch of cyclists in Fitchburg, MA (where I would shatter my jerk-wrist. A pseudo-divorce of my own…), my phone rang. On the other end of the line was a friend in a panic, telling me his wife had just [...]
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