Fried Fat Fun

Fall is a wonderful season. I like almost everything about fall. Leaves changing colors, weather cooling off, football season beginning, Halloween, hell I even nailed a chick in college named Autumn. Those are all great things.

Unfortunately, living in Dallas, fall also brings along the notorious Texas State Fair. All state fairs are complete white trash/gen pop central, so you can imagine the type of disgraceful shit that descends on Dallas to pay $200 for a few hours of rides and food.

As hilarious as it is for poor people to drop that kind of money on fucking rides, just wait until you see this years menu. I will attempt to evaluate the food and draw a conclusion on what type of attendee will order each item.

Beginning September 24th, any and all of these items can be yours. Feel free to swing by my place if you come into town.

2010 Big Tex Choice Awards

Texas Fried FRITOS® Pie – A generous portion of savory Texas born chili accented with a hint of sharp cheddar encased in everybody’s favorite corn chip. Lightly battered and fried to a golden brown perfection. With its smooth medley of hot, meaty, crunchy, salty, cheesy, oozing goodness; “Texas Fried FRITOS® Pie” transports you back to the golden age of Fair Food. Bert’s Burgers & Fries stand in Cotton Bowl Plaza, near the entrance to the Midway. Winner of Best Taste. – “Winner of best taste”, now there’s an asterisk for you. “World’s Smartest Namibian” award seems legit now.

I like how they mentioned the cheddar is sharp, as if any of these goddamn day laborer Meximelts or $40,000 a year drones will be able to tell the difference. That said, when I think about it, fritos are everybody’s favorite corn chip. They have separated themselves in the corn chip industry.

“The golden age of Fair Food”. What the fuck is that? Back when people ate shit like a hamburger instead of devising ways of frying every fucking thing they will put in their mouth except the fork? “Hot, meaty, crunchy, salty, cheesy, oozing goodness”-I rented that one night wasted from On Demand. Not a great porn. Stay away.

Type of person that buys this: I debated about going with a little brat kid who of course has a dirty face and says “daddy” or “mommy” every 15 seconds, but I’m going with a conservative choice to begin with: an older white man who hasn’t set the world on fire but can appreciate and dive into this mountain of crap. He’ll knock this down and 3 Budweisers without burping. Bud Light? Get fucked you commie faggot.

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Fried Beer™ - Beer-filled pretzel pocket is deep-fried to a golden brown. One bite and the escaping beer serves as a dipping sauce. 21 and over, ID required. Winner of Most Creative.

Sounds creative. This is like a fried ravioli with beer in the center, kind of a Freshen-Up Gum or Blow Job type of splash when you bite into it. Bizarre, but truly creative, have to admit. I bet these chefs/pawn shop owners have been wracking their brains to incorporate booze into the fried bukkake party, and it has finally been done. Golden Age my ass! This is the golden age.

Type of person that buys this: I’m going to throw the dice on 17-19 year old guys who either have a fake ID or are prepared to bluff their way into an order. Possibly trying to close his suburban fatherless girlfriend for the first time.

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Deep Fried S’mores Pop• Tart® – Pop• Tart® with a sensational chocolate, peanut butter, s’mores flavor is lightly battered & deep fried. Hot out of the fryer the sinfully diet-busting treat is drizzled with chocolate syrup and topped with whipped cream.

Goodness. Even the menu calls this “diet-busting”. That’s like Jerry Garcia telling you to be careful with your drug intake. “Lightly battered”-oh. Healthy! Peanut butter is a great way to spot a fat miserable pig, and I’m sure this is no exception. Look at those ingredients. This was definitely concocted for women, by women, ala FUBU.

Type of person that buys this: Women over 30 years old of all colors. I would say all sizes, but after size 14 it all blurs together, and nobody at the fair is under a size 14.

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Deep Fried Frozen Margarita - Sweet & creamy funnel cake batter is deliciously coupled with margarita ingredients. Fried, dusted with a tangy lemon/lime mixture and lightly spritzed with south of the border flavor, it’s served in a salt rimmed glass. 21 and over, ID required.

Have you ever had a margarita, even the best ones-Tequila, Cointreau, Lime Juice- and thought “you know what this needs? Cake.”? You’re in luck. Personally, I don’t ever think of funnel cakes when wanting to get drunk, but I’m old school. What the fuck is south of the border flavor? I’m not sure I want to know. Imagine how angry a person who has to go to the fair and work would be. I’m not letting him “spritz” shit into my Funnel Cake Cocktail, I have standards.

Type of person that buys this: Mexicans that grew up here, just to piss off their old country parents. Runner up: 20something girls that act like they are ordering this ironically.

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Fernie’s Fried Club Salad – Super colossal 12” spinach wrap surrounds generous layers of juicy diced ham & chicken, shredded iceberg, crunchy carrot strips, ripe cherry tomatoes, shredded sharp cheddar and hickory smoked bacon. Deep fried until lightly crispy; topped with deep-fried sour dough croutons on a stick & served on a bed of shredded romaine lettuce. Choice of creamy Ranch, Thousand Island or Caesar dressing.

All day. How does this not win most creative? What kind of integrity do these judges have after all? I love the angle so much. Fried stuff at the fair, but for-you know, health nuts. Bacon and ranch dressing mixed in? Let’s get after it! “Ripe cherry tomatoes” may be the funniest thing on the menu, and I predict all of the deep-fried sourdough croutons will be eaten on every order.

Type of person that buys this: Homosexuals and UT fans.

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Fried Chocolate – A white chocolate mini candy bar + a cherry are stuffed into a mouth-watering brownie, dipped into delicious chocolate cake batter & deep fried to perfection. The finished product has a warm just-out-of-the-oven taste! Topped with powdered sugar and a rich cherry sauce and served with chocolate flavored whip cream.

This pretty much sells itself. I’m thinking with this type of target audience no way the other items can compete. “Fried Chocolate” would not only be a great band name, but wouldn’t sound out of place on some bullshit “fine dining” menu pitched as a lark by the quirky executive chef.

Type of person that buys this: All fairgoers would and will buy this. Only issue may be the “why is them chocolate bars white?”, but I’m gambling they soon get over the initial shock.

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Fried Lemonade – Lemon flavored pastry is made from Country Time® lemonade. First baked, then fried, this taste tempting treat is glazed with a mix of lemonade, powdered sugar, and lemon zest.

Lemon zest. Classy. I will say I love lemonade, and this doesn’t sound terribly trashy, so I’m predicting bad scores and sales for this item. If you’re going to cut loose and eat some gut grenade, are you really going with lemonade? Come on Dorothy, you can do better.

Type of person that buys this: The rare unicorn gourmet at the fair, or perhaps someone very stoned.

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Fried Texas Caviar – Texas version of a southern good luck staple. Black-eyed peas are fried and laced with special spices blended with Old Bay® Seasoning and are available in regular or spicy.

Yeah, these are good luck. Good luck walking next to someone after eating these. What is Old Bay seasoning? Sounds like an ointment. Is Old Bay well known? I’m not fucking looking it up. Also want to point out the “band” Black Eyed Peas suck.

Type of person that buys this: Old men, blacks, people that just like the word “Texas” in the name of anything.

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There you have it folks. I’m not sure what else you could want from a State Fair experience. No doubt some of this shit combined with rides administered by felons sound appealing. Put me down for $500 some spare proposes to his pregnant girlfriend as the Ferris Wheel stops with them on top, and let’s Boomer goddamn Sooner.

Vertigo